Michael's Texas Embrace

The christmas season saw a spike in the volume of idiots that came into the store. These idiots' main crime in the retail environment is the sin of Not Paying Attention to Their Surroundings, which of course goes back to evolution, natural selection, and the current lack of dangerous predators like tigers prowling the countryside to weed out and kill unobservant people.

But I finally figured out the best way to deal with these people: treat them like they are children. Walk them step-by-step through whatever they are trying to do. Below is a transcript of a TRUE encounter I had with a customer once I started this practice. The results are amazing.

[Befuddled looking vaguely yuppie-ish middle-aged man approaches the espresso bar while Michael is loudly steaming milk.]

STEAM WAND: Pshhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! Wshhhhhhhhh!!!! Sputter!
YUPPIE: I--(unintelligible mumbling).
MICHAEL(turning off the steam wand): Sorry, I couldn't hear you. What was that.
YUPPIE(looking irritated): I just need a regular cup of coffee.
MICHAEL: Okay, well I'm making a drink for a customer. I'll be with you in just a moment.

FIVE MINUTES LATER.

MICHAEL: What can I get for you, sir?
YUPPIE: Listen, I just need a plain, regular cup of coffee. Do you have just plain regular coffee? That's all I want. Plain regular coffee. (He looks everywhere but the menu board and the coffee list. Up, down, left, right. He leans over the counter and looks at the register screen. While scratching his head.)
MICHAEL: Why, of course we do. Shhh. Calm down. What we need to do now is pick out a size. At most restaraunts drinks come in different sizes.
YUPPIE: Just regular! Plain old regular coffee.
MICHAEL: Shhh. I understand. But what we need to do now is use our thinking skills. Regular is not a size. Now, pay attention. We have small, medium, and large.
YUPPIE(Letting out a quietly frustrated squeal and stamping his loafers): I don't know! The middle thingy. Middle and plain and regular. We're talking about coffee, right? I want plain old regular middle coffee.

[MICHAEL produces a note card and a marker and writes, "now serving middle coffee" on it and hangs it above the register.]

MICHAEL: Okay, now we have to make another decision. Are you ready? Okay, good. Do you want a light, medium, or dark roast.

[YUPPIE whinnies like a horse and falls to his knees. With his head on the counter he noses the tip cup around and huffs.]

[MICHAEL leaps over the counter and presses YUPPIE'S head against his strong, Barista chest.]

MICHAEL: Shhh. It's okay. Calm down.
YUPPIE(In a whisper): It's just--there's so much and--I'm worried I just won't ever learn. How do people do it? How do they make it with all these words and sizes and kinds. My heart swoons from the thinking of them. (lowering his voice still more)And my pooper is all stopped up and my mom said to drink some coffee.

[MICHAEL holds him until he stops trembling, and then climbs back over the counter.]

MICHAEL: I'll get you some plain old regular coffee in a middle cup. Okay? That will make it all better. (MICHAEL makes a small decaf americano with green apple syrup in it and hands it to YUPPIE, who doesn't know any better.)
YUPPIE: Thanks, mister! (He pays with a $500 dollar bill and doesn't leave a tip.)

THE END.

>
>
>Dear Michael...
>
>i luv u but u dont know me but i think ur tha coolst & that song
>bout begetables was cool n stuff. i like when the things hapen
>but it's xmas so merry xmas n stuff. this dude says u suk but hes
>stupid and i jacked his girl with some x and he didnt know.
>
>do u think u could wish yr peepz the merries from me n then maybe
>make a song bout hamburgers. i eat them alot and i listen to 80s
>new wave and the cars n stuff, so give it that shit for the road yo.
>
>oh yeh i wanna party but i cant. but i got down with them grease
>punk covers on tha murfs page. hes tight 2.
>
>3sweetTina.
>

Sure I can, 3sweetTina. Let's see...

MERRY CHRISTMAS! Drink lots of eggnog, beer, wine, etc, and eat lots of ham! Michael got some strange instrumenty-percussiony things and will be making lots of noise!

Um, here's a new wave-ish song about hamburgers. forgive me for trying to sing like Ric Ocasek and failing...

Hamburgers

I am enjoying making pointless songs about food. It's been loads of fun so far. So I'm passing my fun times on to you in the form of bad songs. I just finished a mix of this song about vegetables, which I'm pretty pleased with. I played with a metronome to keep it tighter than my songs usually are. I'm pretty pleased with my utilitarian rock drumming, and the guitar and the bass are working for me. And the nutty Moog leads do what I want. Though it's a little pathetic how many times I recorded the keyboard parts. Playing that thing and getting precise and fast modulation changes can be tough! It's like trying to play a solo and operate a spaceship at the same time. "Okay, hit the low B and real quick push up the mod wheel and rotate the cutoff frequency all the way down...now hit E and increase the mod rate while tweaking the cutoff and--ARGH! I missed the note again! For the sixth time in a row!"

Anyway, it's short. It's really dumb, but not really funny. It's got me and my, um, distinctive brand of singing in it. But I just brought the rock to the vegetable aisle and pwned its ass. Boo-yah.

Vegetables (No Bones!)

Me and Maggie found a good recipe the other evening. It's this:

Hot sake + quality thermos + hot tub = warm times on a cool evening.

It turned out pretty good. The air was cold, but the water and the sake kept us toasty. Maybe we'll try that again when Andrew is down for the holiday. And maybe Andrew can contribute something to a food song or two. In a day or so I'll post one of these food songs, so you can hear what sort of stupid crap I'm wasting time on. Oh yeah.

This is just a lame-o update.

I am now the supervisor of the cafe at work. It's like a promotion. I mean, I get a dollar fifty raise anyway, and it looks nice on paper when I need to get another job. "Cafe Supervisor." I no longer work for the man. I AM the man. Except, there's always another man, or many other men, and you are always working for them. So I remain a tool. Psh. (actually it's not that bad.)

I am still playing video games, and still very much enjoying it, but I've thrown the book "Treasure Island" into the mix, and that, my peeps, is one awesomely sweetified book. I recommend it for all your adventuring needs (I'll vaguely review it when I'm done.)

I have decided to make an entire CD full of short (around 2 minutes)songs about food. If you've heard the Breakfast song of the Taco song, you will have an idea what I'm up to. And man, it's going fast! When your goal is short and your lyrics are mindless and you can rip off that crappy guitar solo in one take, you can record a song an evening! So far I've got six songs (counting "Breakfast" and "My Taco Lives Again") and I just started the other day. Titles so far include, "Suzy was a Vegeterian," "Lady Sandwich," and "The End of Breakfast." This CD is going to be so bad; I will try for at least 30 songs.

Um, that is all for now.

Classes are done. Holiday has begun. Michael casts "Eternal RPG Holiday - lv. 6" on all party members. Sloth +2. Mind-numb gets a +5 stat bonus when controller equipped. Michael Equips comfy pillow auto-equipped with glassy-gaze.

Party encounters metal slimes...