Michael's Texas Embrace

The christmas season saw a spike in the volume of idiots that came into the store. These idiots' main crime in the retail environment is the sin of Not Paying Attention to Their Surroundings, which of course goes back to evolution, natural selection, and the current lack of dangerous predators like tigers prowling the countryside to weed out and kill unobservant people.

But I finally figured out the best way to deal with these people: treat them like they are children. Walk them step-by-step through whatever they are trying to do. Below is a transcript of a TRUE encounter I had with a customer once I started this practice. The results are amazing.

[Befuddled looking vaguely yuppie-ish middle-aged man approaches the espresso bar while Michael is loudly steaming milk.]

STEAM WAND: Pshhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! Wshhhhhhhhh!!!! Sputter!
YUPPIE: I--(unintelligible mumbling).
MICHAEL(turning off the steam wand): Sorry, I couldn't hear you. What was that.
YUPPIE(looking irritated): I just need a regular cup of coffee.
MICHAEL: Okay, well I'm making a drink for a customer. I'll be with you in just a moment.

FIVE MINUTES LATER.

MICHAEL: What can I get for you, sir?
YUPPIE: Listen, I just need a plain, regular cup of coffee. Do you have just plain regular coffee? That's all I want. Plain regular coffee. (He looks everywhere but the menu board and the coffee list. Up, down, left, right. He leans over the counter and looks at the register screen. While scratching his head.)
MICHAEL: Why, of course we do. Shhh. Calm down. What we need to do now is pick out a size. At most restaraunts drinks come in different sizes.
YUPPIE: Just regular! Plain old regular coffee.
MICHAEL: Shhh. I understand. But what we need to do now is use our thinking skills. Regular is not a size. Now, pay attention. We have small, medium, and large.
YUPPIE(Letting out a quietly frustrated squeal and stamping his loafers): I don't know! The middle thingy. Middle and plain and regular. We're talking about coffee, right? I want plain old regular middle coffee.

[MICHAEL produces a note card and a marker and writes, "now serving middle coffee" on it and hangs it above the register.]

MICHAEL: Okay, now we have to make another decision. Are you ready? Okay, good. Do you want a light, medium, or dark roast.

[YUPPIE whinnies like a horse and falls to his knees. With his head on the counter he noses the tip cup around and huffs.]

[MICHAEL leaps over the counter and presses YUPPIE'S head against his strong, Barista chest.]

MICHAEL: Shhh. It's okay. Calm down.
YUPPIE(In a whisper): It's just--there's so much and--I'm worried I just won't ever learn. How do people do it? How do they make it with all these words and sizes and kinds. My heart swoons from the thinking of them. (lowering his voice still more)And my pooper is all stopped up and my mom said to drink some coffee.

[MICHAEL holds him until he stops trembling, and then climbs back over the counter.]

MICHAEL: I'll get you some plain old regular coffee in a middle cup. Okay? That will make it all better. (MICHAEL makes a small decaf americano with green apple syrup in it and hands it to YUPPIE, who doesn't know any better.)
YUPPIE: Thanks, mister! (He pays with a $500 dollar bill and doesn't leave a tip.)

THE END.